Office Talk

While I love our office machines (I've gotten one or two to work by spouting nice words of encouragement), I think their main purpose in life is to jam in some way. With that, I present:

What I imagine our office machines and gadgets would say to us if they could talk:

The copy machine: "Imagine this: you're resting in your nice cool area, saving energy and whatnot. It's a peaceful day, one lacking in urgent work. Then, suddenly, some woman in sweatpants (sweatpants!)comes in needing a copy. She pokes you on the head, gives you a work order, and crosses her arms impatiently. While you're warming up from your nap, she even has the gall to complain about how long she's having to wait. You finally wake and complete the request. You don't even get a 'thanks' as she rips the paper away from you. Welcome to my life. Say thanks next time, or I just might jam."

The fax machine: "Listen people, pages down. I can't tell you how many times the other fax machines and I laugh at you because you can't read the sign and your faxes come out blank. You're all idiots. I might as well jam."

The shredder: "You again? Why do you make so many damn copies if all you're gonna do is shove 'em down my throat? Oh and by the way, the next time you roll your eyes when my bag is full, you're getting a jam."

The three hole puncher: "Of course I'm giving you hanging chads--those little pieces of paper that frustrate you to no end. Have you seen how many paper holes I've got under here? Try cleaning me out a bit, graduate students! You obviously prefer me to the three hole punch feature on the copy machine. One would think you'd care more for me, the one who allows you to store your precious information in a notebook. The one who only wants to see you happy. Watch out, because I'm thinking of creative ways to jam."

The toaster: "For The Love Of God Someone Clean Me Out Once In A While! I wish I could jam. That'd show 'em."

Certain mailboxes: "Can't...Hold...Any...More...Mail. Must...Be...Checked...Soon. Will...Jam...Fingers...Of...Workers."

The computers: "Are we really at a place of work? Why aren't we being used for anything other than blogs, email, and Minesweeper? When did I sink so low? Let's jam a process. They should know better than to be on MySpace at work. Now they're going to pay for it."