Pity party

I've just come to the horrifying realization that I have no idea what I want to do with this life of mine. I know I've written this before, but it's a recurring theme in my life and if this blog is about anything, it's about what's going on in my head.

I decided to poke around at different universities in the area to get a feel for what's out there in terms of graduate study. I've had a few ideas of what I'd like to maybe try out, but there's nothing that's jumped out at me and made a great impression. In order to even think about applying to graduate school at most places, I'll need to have three good reference letters from professors. At this point, I know of one professor who worked with me almost three years ago. I was not motivated in my college life to make friends with professors, so I don't have much to go on. That means that the free classes I can take at the university where I work will have to give me ample opportunity to meet and kiss professors' asses. Can I do that with a full-time job? Do I even want to?

Again, nothing in a graduate catalog really tells me that I want to try for it. I'd much rather find a job that I love than study some more, although I've always thought that the Sound Recording Technology program at Texas State (formally Southwest Texas) sounded so interesting. But I never thought I could do something like that. Nowadays I still feel like most things are probably beyond my reach, and if the music department at Texas State tells me this is too, I think it'll take me a while to bounce back.

I apologize for this rambling post, but a flood of emotions is hiding behind my eyes right now, and typing is the only thing I can do to keep from breaking down at work. I can't stand administrative duties; I hate being cooped up doing something I don't like for pay that barely helps me get by. I don't want to continue down this road, and yet I don't know what road would be best for me. When I make my next move, it needs to be one I have little or no reservations about. I can't afford to spend the next few years walking down a path that, in the end, holds no pot of gold.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm terrified of the future. I've told people that I'm interested in certain things, but that's usually just been to give them something to hear (and give me something to say). Now I'm realizing how hard anything I try to do will be. And I'm a bit discouraged.

Sorry gang. Hopefully tomorrow's post will be brighter.